A few weeks ago, I changed my username on Instagram and Twitter. If I didn’t just renew my hosting and domain – which took a huge chunk from my pay – I would’ve done the same for my blog. During the early days of my entire rebrand, as I was praying for a title, She Makes Him Known felt…right. I knew it was from God. “She” didn’t refer to myself but to the women I intend(ed) to share my faith to. But, a year has passed, and it feels like a mistake. I am so undeserving, and no day passes by when the enemy doesn’t tell me.
Have I really been staying true to my cause? I ask myself that all the time. There are several things I prayed for this safe space to be. I want it to be a community for young women to share about Christ. Through time, God kept reaffirming the need for this platform. Indeed, there is an audience thirsting for Him, I just had to move.
With all honesty, I never thought I’d write about beauty. I don’t feel bad about it – maybe only when I spend more than I should – because it’s something I’m passionate about. But, as much as I want to be the “God Girl” everyone presumes I am, I can’t always find the right words to write about God. Just like any other writer…and believer, I go through seasons of drought. Truly, if I let my emotions dictate my relationship with Him, I would have stopped believing a long time ago. Still, I persist, because I know that in unremarkable moments of solitude, God is glorified by a heart who seeks His nearness. He won’t always give a clear yes or no; most of the time, what happens in between is already the blessing. The biggest product of our season(s) of waiting isn’t the path we arrive at but the people we become.
The question is, why exactly do I want to make Him known? Is it because I want to be regarded as the “selfless” servant – to essentially be glorified in the process – or to act as a purveyor of His grace, to point to His perfect Being? I find myself disappointed when I can write about everything else so easily but churning out God-breathed content takes everything from me. At the end of the day, it points to the I, to my pride. I constantly plead with God how my so-called ministry isn’t “successful” in the eyes of the world. But, which lenses am I looking through – from Eternity’s perspective or my own?
But, my God, I know He knows how much I try. With a daily 9-hour desk job, photography school and ministry, I continue to grow my passion project. But lately, it seems to be such a big responsibility and an undeniable burden. As much as it’s an avenue for joy, all I feel is pressure. I take it so seriously, more than I have in the past, that all I have are lists of possible blog entry ideas, one half-baked draft after the other, and depressing Google Analytics statistics.
More than that, my everyday sin cloaks me and forces me to think that I am unworthy to be used by God when I know full well, He equips those He calls. I mean, how can He plant the seeds and not finish His work? I pray for that to be true.
So, what I’m saying is this…I apologize to anyone I’ve disappointed, who I’ve led to believe differently about my heart and my cause. But still, thank you for staying with me. We’ll figure this out. God, help me.
“And then it hit me: I served God with mixed motives. I hoped lost people would be saved – but I wanted to be the evangelist God used. I desired Christians to be encouraged – but I wanted to be the instrument of edification. I wanted people to think God was awesome – and that I was, too.
This is where it gets tricky. The desire for God to be glorified through me is the height of my created purpose. But there is a fine line between wanting God to use you for his glory and wanting everyone to know it. It’s the fine line between pure worship and idolatry.“
Garrett Kell, Stop Photobombing Jesus via The Gospel Coalition