She Makes Him Known - But, Do I Really Want to "Make Him Known"?

But, Do I Really Want to “Make Him Known”?

A few weeks ago, I changed my username on Instagram and Twitter. If I didn’t just renew my hosting and domain – which took a huge chunk from my pay – I would’ve done the same for my blog. During the early days of my entire rebrand, as I was praying for a title, She Makes Him Known felt…right. I knew it was from God. “She” didn’t refer to myself but to the women I intend(ed) to share my faith to. But, a year has passed, and it feels like a mistake. I am so undeserving, and no day passes by when the enemy doesn’t tell me.

Have I really been staying true to my cause? I ask myself that all the time. There are several things I prayed for this safe space to be. I want it to be a community for young women to share about Christ. Through time, God kept reaffirming the need for this platform. Indeed, there is an audience thirsting for Him, I just had to move.

With all honesty, I never thought I’d write about beauty. I don’t feel bad about it – maybe only when I spend more than I should – because it’s something I’m passionate about. But, as much as I want to be the “God Girl” everyone presumes I am, I can’t always find the right words to write about God. Just like any other writer…and believer, I go through seasons of drought. Truly, if I let my emotions dictate my relationship with Him, I would have stopped believing a long time ago. Still, I persist, because I know that in unremarkable moments of solitude, God is glorified by a heart who seeks His nearness. He won’t always give a clear yes or no; most of the time, what happens in between is already the blessing. The biggest product of our season(s) of waiting isn’t the path we arrive at but the people we become.

Read: When God Feels Like An Afterthought 

The question is, why exactly do I want to make Him known? Is it because I want to be regarded as the “selfless” servant – to essentially be glorified in the process – or to act as a purveyor of His grace, to point to His perfect Being? I find myself disappointed when I can write about everything else so easily but churning out God-breathed content takes everything from me. At the end of the day, it points to the I, to my pride. I constantly plead with God how my so-called ministry isn’t “successful” in the eyes of the world. But, which lenses am I looking through – from Eternity’s perspective or my own?

But, my God, I know He knows how much I try. With a daily 9-hour desk job, photography school and ministry, I continue to grow my passion project. But lately, it seems to be such a big responsibility and an undeniable burden. As much as it’s an avenue for joy, all I feel is pressure. I take it so seriously, more than I have in the past, that all I have are lists of possible blog entry ideas, one half-baked draft after the other, and depressing Google Analytics statistics.

More than that, my everyday sin cloaks me and forces me to think that I am unworthy to be used by God when I know full well, He equips those He calls. I mean, how can He plant the seeds and not finish His work? I pray for that to be true.

So, what I’m saying is this…I apologize to anyone I’ve disappointed, who I’ve led to believe differently about my heart and my cause. But still, thank you for staying with me. We’ll figure this out. God, help me.

“And then it hit me: I served God with mixed motives. I hoped lost people would be saved – but I wanted to be the evangelist God used. I desired Christians to be encouraged – but I wanted to be the instrument of edification. I wanted people to think God was awesome – and that I was, too.

This is where it gets tricky. The desire for God to be glorified through me is the height of my created purpose. But there is a fine line between wanting God to use you for his glory and wanting everyone to know it. It’s the fine line between pure worship and idolatry.

Garrett Kell, Stop Photobombing Jesus via The Gospel Coalition






COMMENTS

  • Hi Elisa!

    I just wanna say how I admire how brave you are in starting this blog with this advocacy. I wish I can be as vocal as you are with your faith, but tbh, I feel hypocritical whenever I wanna talk about God, because I know deep down inside how my relationship with Him is unstable, and I mostly look for him just when I am in the dark, when I’m in despair, and when I badly need for some stuff to happen. I know that I don’t ever thank him enough, that I do not seek him enough.

    So please, please don’t ever think that this is a lost cause because you are in a so much better place than possibly most of us. I know that He understands that you have other passions, and I know that He doesn’t ask us to revolve our worlds around Him because He is not like that. He wants the best for us and He wants us to explore all our potentials, He wants us to open all the doors He set for us. He wants us to feel good about ourselves, to feel beautiful because He made us beautiful.

    So smile, sweetheart. You’re okay. We’re okay. 🙂

    • Hello, K. 💛

      You have no idea how much your comment helped me. I wrote this piece out of a very broken and contrite heart. I didn’t even know I was dealing with these issues and insecurities until I laid it down for the whole world to see. Thank you for seeing goodness my heart refuses to see.

      The fact that you took the time to shed light to another person is evidence of God’s great work in your life. I hope you never think that God can’t use you. We all fall so short of His glory but may we never use this fact to stop trying to reach out to people and share about Him. You are in my prayers, friend. All my love to you 😘

  • I have an entirely different comment before this one, but it sounds SO preachy, so i will try again lol.

    I think your dilemma is totally normal — i’m not saying it’s right, just that it’s a normal human response to a divine mission. I believe the best thing we can do after acknowledging our own weakness — which you did in this post, so that’s already a great first step — is to just stick with Him and continue trying. 🙂

    • Hi, Odee! 💙

      That’s so beautiful, thank you for sharing these things with me. I was so struck by what you said, “…it’s a normal human response to a divine mission.” I was just reading a very short excerpt about Mother Teresa of Culcutta – how she kept a diary of sorts. She wrote about some very dark thoughts on hopelessness, and the fact that it comes from someone as faithful as her validates what you just said. Strange but so comforting…

      You are so loved. ☺️

  • Darling! You are brave for acknowledging your inadequacies, just like Moses! There may be some things too big to handle by yourself but God who directs this universe actually LOVES YOU and wants to take over your life and handle it for you! You are not alone in this journey!
    “Therefore as you have received Christ Jesus the Lord, so walk in Him” (Colossians 2:6)

    God is in the process of softening you up, bringing to light areas in your life that need to be brought under His control of the Holy Spirit.

    Your position in the eyes of God is perfect FROM THE MOMENT YOU BELIEVE AND RECEIVE JESUS CHRIST AS YOUR SAVIOR! That position is NOT based on what you can do, or for that matter, what you have not done. It’s not based on how eloquent you can write about Him, or how many people you influence thru your blog, or how much time you spend reading your Bible everyday… That position is based on WHO JESUS IS and WHAT HE HAS DONE FOR YOU! Being secured in that knowledge is what will give you the COURAGE and JOY to get back up even after failing miserably.

    Your journey is between you and your Lord. Don’t add to the pressure what others may be saying about you. When Jesus came into this world, His focus was the mission in which His Father sent Him out to do. And at the end of his 33 years on earth, He was able to say “It is finished” because he was able to accomplish the purpose of why He was sent. This He said even if He was not able to heal all. This He said even if He was not able to travel around the world. This He said even if not everyone believed in Him…

    “I suppose that as a human being I have been so bound up in a manipulative love that is always swapping things that I’m dumbfounded when confronted with a love like that which I can’t shut off by my non-performance.” (Lane Adams talking about the unconditional love of Christ)

    YESSS!! Kumo-quote! 🙂 I love you Elisa! Welcome to the journey of being a “God girl”. NOT because you can write countless entries about Him, not because you represent Him perfectly, BUT BECAUSE THE SPIRIT OF GOD LIVES IN YOU! MWAHZZZZ!

    Come! Let us celebrate and feast on the perfect and all-sufficient love of Christ!

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